Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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