If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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