Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
