Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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