shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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