WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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