how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
