My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
