My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize