508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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