why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
