i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
