I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
