I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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