Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
