somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
