I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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