life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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