My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
