It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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