Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
