walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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