Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
