Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
