I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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