ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
