Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
