Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
