Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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