They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
"it" just moved
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
