is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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