Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I wish I only lived at night.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
