I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
