hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
