I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
