if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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