if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.