I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
