There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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