there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
