He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
