I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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