I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
