why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
