I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
