I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
