So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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