Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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