You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
