Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
