i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
