4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
