lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
